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Friday, December 5th, 2008
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6:17 pm - I was only dead because I forgot how to be alive for a while.
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Hello there.
Yeah, it's me. I just haven't had a whole lot to say in the past year. I guess I always have a lot to say, but lately I just haven't felt compelled to write anything.
I've been really unhappy lately. I'm always angry or annoyed or tired or depressed. Not that I have a whole lot to be angry or sad about. I have a pretty good life these days. I share an apartment with a girl I love quite a bit, I have good sex regularly, I do decently in school (though probably not as well as I could because I'm so damned lazy, but that's nothing new) I eat surprisingly well for how little money I have, and there's not a whole lot that I want.
Well, I want a computer that isn't made by Dell, but that's a whole different story. I fucking hate Dell. But the fact that I'm using a Dell laptop at this very moment means I can't really complain.
It's just this feeling I have all the time right now that gets me down. I feel like I'm living wrong. I'm not even sure HOW I'm living wrong, I just have the distinct feeling that there's something almost mathematically wrong with my existence. I've never been comfortable with the idea that my life is finite and it's my responsibility to do something that makes it worthwhile, but since in my childhood I never had to deal with anything resembling responsibility, I always assumed if I kept living that someone else would take care of it for me. But if there's some kind of solution to the problems I'm worrying about, odds are I'm not going to find them because to do so I'd have to be a much greater person than I know I am capable of being.
Reading Kierkegaard on mind-altering drugs only made me feel better for a few days. I'm not entirely sure if I was on to something then.
The fact that I have to see with my eyes bothers me. The fact that the only means we have to interact with the universe is via our senses offends me. The fact that we can only communicate with one another through the medium of languages pisses me off.
Hence my dilemma.
I've started baking bread. It makes me feel useful, even though it isn't. If I just went to a bakery I could get better bread, and with all the flour I have to buy I'm not exactly saving money, and if nobody but me eats it it'll go stale and I have to throw it out.
I'd like to be a baker, though. All of my future job prospects are in things which produce absolutely nothing. I don't want to be a writer anymore, because I know there's nothing significant I could possibly contribute to the literary world.
Yeah, being a Canadian TV writer is no longer a job option for me. I can already see the future of the industry: Since Canadian TV has never been good, they're quickly realizing that the only reason the industry exists at all is because they need to satisfy Canadian content percentages, so most producers are just switching to reality TV. I've seen the way they do it with the work my mom and dad have done. You can produce five different reality shows in one office. I would rather shoot myself than work for reality TV.
I'm not so sure where my future in philosophy is, either. I'm pretty sure that eventually the experimental philosophy movement will eventually render the entirety of analytic philosophy irrelevant by the time I'm an old man. And even though I'm pretty sure everything they have to say about analytic philosophy is spot-on, this means that philosophy, as with the social sciences, is doomed to become a discipline of statistics and data gathering, which means lots of graphs. I don't have a lot of requirements with regards to how I'll live the rest of my life, but I would rather clean septic tanks than do anything that requires me to perform opinion polls and make graphs. If I could find an adequate way to make justifiable normative statements without appeals to intuition all my problems here would be solved, but I'll be damned if I'm that clever.
I guess I've just been really confused for the past few months. I'm just stumbling around blindly and hoping something will cause everything to work out.
I was always a self-absorbed douchebag, and I probably still am.
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| Tuesday, December 25th, 2007
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6:08 am
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Well, here I am, back in Toronto and it's Christmas morning. My mom put a bottle of Jack Daniel's in my christmas stocking.
I guess that's the kind of screwy thing you get when you're 19 and your mom still gives you christmas stockings.
It's been quite a while since I've updated. I suck at blogging now. I'm technically supposed to blog for school and I don't even do that. But this is partially 'cause I'm never atmy computer. And I'm quite certain my dad got me a laptop. Why am I certain? He told me. I called him a month or so ago and he was like "I'm getting you a laptop. What kind do you want?" And then I called my mom and she was all "That douche! It was supposed to be a surprise!" Then I called my dad and told him that and he was all "Well, what if I DON'T get you a laptop? That would be a surprise!" Which is such a stereotypical dad thing to say.
Yesterday I found out I gained 30 pounds in the past four months. I'm thoroughly pissed at myself.
But anyway... Merry Christmas, everyone.
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| Friday, November 16th, 2007
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3:53 pm
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Yesterday, Samantha (That is the name of girlfriend, for those who don't have me on facebook) did the sweetest thing anybody has ever done for me. She surprised me with this custom made T-shirt:
For those who are confused due to my inability to anti-mirror the camera, the shirt says "Giant Squid".
I'm kind of sad because I could never possibly think of something equally thoughtful.
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| Friday, November 2nd, 2007
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7:50 pm
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So, for some reason, my philosophy prof has taken it upon himself to devote one-third of this term to debating the existence of god. Everyone's sick of it but him, but it keeps going. Anyway, in philosophy discussion I committed both of my favorite kinds of heresy.
The first went like this:
TA: So God is unfalsifiable, but he wants us to believe in him, so why doesn't he provide proof for his existence? Does this make belief in god rational?
Girl in class: It's rational, because we can't understand god's way. He must think it's much more interesting to watch us debate whether or not he exists.
Me: So, basically, you're saying that god is a douche.
Girl: God's not a douche! You can't say that!
Me: ... Yeah, god's a douche. He's a gigantic almighty douchebag.
Girl: God is not a douche! He's omnipotent and all-knowing and good!
Me: (laughing too much to respond)
TA: Aaaaanyway...
______
TA: So what kind of empirical evidence could there be for god?
Some guy: Well, there's Jesus performing miracles.
Me: That's not a whole lot of proof.
Guy: If you don't believe it happened, maybe, but documented proof of Jesus' miracles would-
Me: Jesus didn't do anything David Copperfield couldn't do.
Everyone: ...
Yeah, that's an update on my life.
Well, sort of. I haven't updated in a long time because about 70% of my time is either boring or of a nature that most people don't want to hear about.
Oh, also, I was in Orange County when the entire damned state was on fire a few weeks back. My timing is lovely. I feel like the angel of death or something.
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| Thursday, October 11th, 2007
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6:26 pm
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Looking back on my life, and all the potentially great things I could accomplish, all the amazing events that could transpire, the highlight of my existence will be having lived with this man
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| Friday, September 28th, 2007
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1:33 pm
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When I'm really, really stoned, I act and sound like Kramer from Seinfeld.
I'm not entirely sure if this means I'm a racist.
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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| Sunday, September 16th, 2007
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3:53 pm
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So, no update in quite some time.
Long story short, I am in the University of British Columbia. It has been a tad different, since I'm away from my family, my ps2, and my mother's constant casseroles.
However, there are some good things:
a) While I usually only eat one meal a day, it has consistently consisted of cheeseburgers.
b) Classes are both better and less frequent than high school. I like most of my courses, with the exception of linguistics, which I dropped.
c) Ladyfriend:
We engage in various activities of which it would be impolite to express on a public journal of this nature. We also do other stuff. Like, she's there when I eat cheeseburgers. My life is significantly better due to her presence. Though, I'm not spending a whole lot of time in my own room. No, not because of THAT. I don't have that much stamina. But her room is much, much nicer than mine. Mine is like a prison cell with a desktop computer. Also, it smells funny. But that's mostly my fault.
So, Vancouver is my friend. No more Toronto. Hwa.
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| Thursday, August 30th, 2007
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6:30 am
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The ceiling in my room fell. What the fuck?
It's been threatening to fall for about five years now, but the only acknowledgement to this issue that's ever been given is "You know, we really should fix that" and then ignoring it. And now it fell. I was sleeping, and it just missed my head.
Why did it have to fall now? It's been taking five years to do this, and I've only got two more nights in that room. Why couldn't it have fallen on Saturday or Sunday? Dammit.
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(5 comments | comment on this)
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| Tuesday, August 28th, 2007
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3:24 am
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| Monday, August 27th, 2007
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1:21 am
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So I just finished beating Danzarb: Dragon Squadron. All I'll say is it's both everything a video game of its era should have been as well as everything science fiction should be.
...But damn, I've never had the main character of a video game directly chastise me for enjoying the game before.
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(comment on this)
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| Saturday, August 25th, 2007
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12:33 am
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Okay, so maybe it's NOT Mercury poisoning. Apparently there's some virus going around with all of my symptoms. My mom said a few people on her crew had to go home early because of it.
But this still really sucks. I'm really weak. I can't jog for more than two minutes before I run out of energy, I can't do more than five pushups... Even working out my fingers is too much trouble.
On top of that, I'm not eating. I have no desire to eat, and even if I did, my throat has this big painful sore swelling in it that makes swallowing feel akin to getting choked. This really, really sucks. And I'm bored as hell because I don't feel capable of doing anything but lying on my back. Ugh.
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(comment on this)
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| Friday, August 24th, 2007
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4:52 am
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Maybe I'm going hypochondriac, but I think I'm suffering from the early stages of mercury poisoning.
Lately I've felt groggy, I've had muscle pains and weakness independent of my workout regimen, joint paints, and a swollen lymph node in my throat.
I had no idea why all this was, until I remembered that I've been eating a can of Tuna every day. There's a mercury risk in large fish, and all the FDA ever says is it doesn't pose a threat so long as you eat it once a week.
Once a week != every day.
And the symptoms all match. God dammit, this is going to harm both my diet AND my workout regimen.
I'm probably going to have to quit the tuna for awhile.
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(comment on this)
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12:22 am
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This morning I realized that I am, in fact, god.
Just thought I should let you all know.
Oh, and, uh... Sorry about the whole, y'know... Everything.
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(5 comments | comment on this)
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| Wednesday, August 22nd, 2007
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4:40 am
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Okay, now these hookers are really starting to make me feel insecure.
I mean, normally I assume they just approach me because we pass each other on the street and I happen to make eye contact, but tonight this girl actually called to me from across the street, half a block away. And I didn't realize she was calling to me until the third time she shouted, and then she took a diagonal course across the street towards me when I looked her way.
I'm starting to worry that I look like some kind of pathetic loser who couldn't possibly get sex without paying for it.
...Granted, that's actually a pretty accurate description of me. But I'd like to think that I don't LOOK the part.
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(4 comments | comment on this)
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| Sunday, August 19th, 2007
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4:39 pm - I really wouldn't buy that for a dollar.
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Some people wonder how, loving graphic novels and comics as I do, I can bear such a seething hatred for Frank Miller that burns like a thousand suns.
Well, last night, the only two reasons anybody ever needs to hate Frank Miller for their rest of their life were on TV:
1)Robocop 2
2)Robocop 3
How can anyone have seen those movies and not hate the man? He not only took one of the most awesome movies in the universe, raped it, ejaculated on its face and took pictures, but then he had the nerve to do it AGAIN.
And it's not like those two were even a lapse in his judgement. Everything he did in it was typical Frank Miller crap, from the terrible dialogue to the changes of character design that could have been conceived of by a thirteen year old boy, be it "OMG AND THIS TIME LETS GIVE ROBOCOP FLAMETHROWERS AND ROCKET LAUNCHERS FOR HIS HANDS AND A JETPACK! THAT'LL BE WICKED HARDCORE!" or "omg let's turn the Batmobile INTO A TANK. That'll be totally sweet!" or "whoa what if Daredevil was, like, A NINJA!? Then he'd have REAL ULTIMATE POWER."
However, they weren't actually the two worst movies in the world, as I was previously told. That's a title reserved for the Matrix 2 & 3. While Robocop 2 and 3 make me go "Man, I hate Robocop 2 and 3. And the first one was so awesome." The Matrix 2 and 3 make me go "Man, I hate the Matrix trilogy."
Probably because I can blame Frank Miller for ruining Robocop. The Wachowski brothers have no such scapegoat.
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| Friday, August 17th, 2007
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1:58 am
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| Wednesday, August 15th, 2007
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8:44 pm
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So, apparently the cop was lying to me and they DIDN'T catch the stabby man. Or at least if they did, they don't have any proof it was him, since there are posters all over Queen street saying they want information on the stabbing.
...Also, middle school crush gave me her number. Yay.
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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| Monday, August 13th, 2007
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12:28 pm
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Okay, these shin splints are really starting to piss me off.
They're the only thing stopping me from running a decent amount of time now. The only thing I've been able to do thus far is ignore them. I think my running might be too high impact. I've heard before that a good runner can't hear his footfall when he takes a stride, but my feet make a very loud noise when they hit the ground. I'm not sure how to remedy this. I've tried to step more lightly, but I don't see how it's possible to do that and still be running.
Fucking shins. If I'd kept at Muay Thai maybe they'd have lost all their nerve endings by now and I wouldn't be having this problem.
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(comment on this)
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| Sunday, August 12th, 2007
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7:17 am
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| Saturday, August 11th, 2007
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8:32 am
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My jogging time is now up to 10 minutes 30 seconds. That puts me 30 seconds behind schedule, but I don't think that's going to be a problem soon.
It's becoming less of an issue of slowly building muscular stamina up to 30 minutes and more an issue of when I'll be able to do it for as long as I'd like. Lately there's been no pain in my calves at all. Most of the pain that makes me stop after 10 minutes is now in my ankles. Mostly just my left ankle. So I think if I give it another week I'll be able to run for a normal amount of time.
I did my running at 5:30 again, and since it was a Saturday morning, there were people everywhere. I hate it when people see me working out. It just makes me feel self-conscious. Like, today when I was in the park I passed by these three people, and this one girl in the group shouted after me "Yeah, you keep running! I totally support that!"
What, you support the act of running? Do you shout that at everyone you see running in the morning?
Blech. I prefer hookers. At least they offer to blow me.
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